Armando Dippet And The Two Brain Cells To Rub Together
by Right What Is Wrong
Summary: /AU, oneshot/ Tom Riddle reports on his capture of the Heir of Slytherin. The Headmaster is not amused.


"...so, you see, Rubeus Hagrid was the Heir of Slytherin all along," Tom Riddle said, casting his gaze to the floor and letting out a heavy sigh. "It was the least I could do to stop his reign of terror," he added modestly.

The Headmaster rubbed his eyes, feeling suddenly, indescribably old. "I see, Tom." He shook his head. "I am amazed at the carelessness and stupidity."

Tom gave a chuckle. "Well, he _is_ half-giant, they say-"

"No, I mean yours." The Headmaster stood up and planted his hands on the table, glowering at the wide-eyed Head Boy. "I may be old, but did you think me _utterly witless_?

"Let me outline the most glaring and obvious of issues. By the accounts of witnesses who saw it fleeing the Gryffindor rooms, to say nothing of Hagrid's own claims, the boy's 'monster' was a large arachnid, most likely an Acromantula. First of all, 'Slytherin's monster' was said to have been left by Slytherin himself. Would you care to tell me the first time an Acromantula was _ever_ sighted, Mr. Riddle?"

The prefect's face was pale, but devoid of expression. "I don't believe we covered that in class, sir, and I must confess that Care of Magical Creatures was never one of my-"

"No, evidently it never was one of your interests, or you would know that they were first sighted at the end of the _eighteenth_ century. I don't recall the exact year, but that hardly matters when Hogwarts was founded _nearly one thousand years ago_ \- and, regardless of what scholarly account of the origins of the so-called 'Chamber of Secrets' myth you believe, the _latest_ possible date of origin is in the thirteenth century or so. Well before the 1790s, wouldn't you agree, Tom?

"Furthermore, do you know how the Acromantula kills? Evidently you did not. It kills by crushing, biting, or poisoning its prey. All of these methods leave very obvious marks; the effects of a lethal dose of Acromantula venom are ghastly things to behold. Young Myrtle, however, displayed nothing of the sort. The Mediwitch who performed the autopsy even suggested that she might have been the victim of a Killing Curse, due to the absolute absence of any apparent cause of death; however, her ghost did not recall hearing any incantation immediately before her death, and you surely remember from your Defense class - which _is_ one of your interests, Tom, I do know - that the Killing Curse cannot be cast silently."

The Headmaster folded his hands together and gazed sternly at the utterly still Head Boy. "So I do not deny that Rubeus Hagrid was engaged in a monstrously - if you'll forgive the pun - irresponsible and dangerous activity, which could _well_ have seriously injured or killed his fellow students, and for which he _will_ have to undergo a harsh course of rehabilitation and reeducation, to say nothing of supervision for some years afterwards to ensure that he does not re-offend - but the death of poor young Myrtle? No. He certainly was not."

After a few moments, Tom gave a short laugh. "Well. I suppose I'm relieved to know that someone so young isn't a cold-blooded murderer." He inclined his head. "I am sorry to have jumped to conclusions and made such a dire accusation with insufficient evidence. I'm afraid I let myself get entirely carried away in my zeal to find the murderer." He gazed at the wall and shook his head somberly, his face the perfect picture of shame. "I - Well, I'll understand if you want to take away my Head Boy badge, sir. I've made a very grave mistake -"

He attempted to step away from the desk and nearly fell over, staggering gracelessly and clutching at the desk to regain his balance. As his eyes darted to his fixed feet, the Headmaster sighed and regarded him with infinitely sad eyes.

"Indeed you have, Mr. Riddle." Another sigh. "For a young man of your intelligence to make such a grave accusation on such flimsy evidence... no mistake both so uncharacteristic and so grievous can be wholly innocent. I'll leave it to the Aurors to discover whether you were accomplice or perpetrator. _Stupefy_."


End file.
